A time to mourn...

Last night, we climbed in bed and as I heard myself making the usual "umpf" and "uhh" noises that apparently are necessary for a 9 month pregnant woman to make when faced with such a task, a reality hit me. 
I am only going to be pregnant for 5 more days...and then that's it - forever.
(Side notes:  I am being induced on Tuesday if I haven't had him by then and when I say "forever", I mean if our plan is in accord with our God's plan.)


In Ecclesiastes, God told us that there will be a time to mourn and I was struck with a preview of it last night.  I expressed my thoughts to Spencer and you could tell that it effected him deeply as well.  You see, we love children and if providence were up to us, my health would not be an issue during pregnancy therefore I would have the capability to care for the children already given to us during those impossible months of bedrest.  Through much, and I do mean MUCH, discussion and prayer, we have decided that it would not be wise to try and have another by way of pregnancy.  It is not good for our family. 
The issue of family size or how one grows a family is such a sensitive topic.  There are families that, through Providence, must go down a completely different road to fulfill their God-given desire for children.  There are families that are abundantly blessed with child after child, the resources to provide for them and the strength to carry them.  There are families that make the choice to not have any or a select number, with no providential hinderances. 
God is so peculiar with His will, isn't He?  He is past finding out.


I can only speak from the "lines" (Psalm 16:6) that God has drawn for me.  That is my reality and in that reality, I must allow for biblical mourning - even though I could "have it much worse."

When I think of having 5 short days left to feel a human being inside of me, I am powerless to keep my eyes from spilling over in tears.  Every medication, every treatment and every "Why, Lord?" has been seasoned with the knowledge of how amazing it is that I, a rebellious creature, could be so blessed to be granted this gift of life within.  Feeling 3 out of the 4 residents of my womb kick me unceasingly at times and use my bladder as their personal trampoline of course gets old after weeks and months of it.  It's just like any other blessing we receive - we tend to take it for granted. 
I have 5 days left to relish my blessed condition.  I have 5 days left of pain and discomfort and acid reflux and nausea and total lack of energy and decreased mobility and loss of bladder control....but....that means I have only 5 days left of such an awesome minutely reminder of God's amazing means of creating bodies and souls, of the guarded protection that the womb provides, of the strange joy that one can't explain.  In these things, I mourn. 

It's funny though of how godly mourning is inevitably mixed with godly joy.  I find much joy in the lessons He has seen fit to teach me through the trials of pregnancy: lessons such as contentment with His will, thankfulness and patience.  I, of course, am in joyful anticipation of holding my son in my arms and for the continued blessing of raising Him to know His Maker.  I am joyful that even though this is the end of our pregnancy road, it by no means dictates how many children will be placed in our family.  I am grateful to the Lord for giving us a heart for orphans and for the knowledge that a son is a son is a son - no matter by what means he came to us and furthermore, that He proved that fact in adopting us Gentiles into His family making us co-heirs with His only "natural" Son.
Dear Father in Heaven, 
Please be ever with me in these last days of the this chapter of my life.  Thank you for giving me the gift of knowledge about the value and sanctity of the human life and for giving me the unmerited favor of the ability of pregnancy.  I am so unworthy of it.  Make me mindful that I am but a vessel, like the mother of Your Son, to be used to bring glory to You and that I can do that, by Your grace, in a multitude of ways.  Please continue to swirl my mourning with joy and keep me in the palm of Your Sovereign hand that I may magnify You in the ways that You choose for me.  Amen.